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Don't I Need a Divorce Lawyer? |
Usually the very first
person one calls after making the decision to divorce is a
best friend. That friend, who has always been there, listens
to all of the reasons why this is happening. But as a
friend, divorce advice must be given. Or should it?
Bill and Nancy
“When Bill and I went through our divorce, I used this great
family law attorney. He got me everything that I wanted and
the kids spend their time mostly with me. I’m getting child
support and I can see a bright future. I’m even getting some
alimony.”
Gary and Julie
“You know Steve, I should call my friend Gary. When he
separated last year, he had this divorce lawyer negotiate
his deal for him. He didn’t get taken to the cleaners and
he’s seeing his kids half the time. Yeah, he is paying child
support, but who isn’t? I’ll get his lawyer’s name for you.”
Have you ever heard stories like these? Couples are
constantly being referred by family and friends to the best
divorce lawyers in town. But do you really need one to do
all of your talking for you? Take Bill and Nancy for
example. They both used great divorce attorneys to do all of
their talking. As a result, the kids spend the school nights
with Nancy and three out of four weekends with Bill. But
that is the way Bill and Nancy would have wanted it anyway.
Bill is in sales – always gone during the week – but always
home on the weekends. Nancy is receiving alimony for a short
period so she can finisher her Master’s degree because she
wants to be self sufficient. The end product worked
perfectly for the both of them. But they did what they
thought they had to do. They called divorce attorneys. All along,
they wanted to keep it civil but weren’t aware that they
could make their own decisions concerning their divorce. In
other words, they wasted a lot of time and money when they
could have had the same end-result themselves.
What about Gary and Julie? They went through a divorce last
year and both retained divorce lawyers. “Don’t talk to her
unless you talk through me”, his attorney told him. “You
want to see your kids don’t you? Do you want to get taken to
the cleaners?” he was asked. Terrified, Gary retained
counsel. Actually, Julie is a pretty good person. She wanted
the kids to see their dad and wasn’t interested in a child
custody fight. They had been partners for 16 years and she
felt she deserved half of the assets. She had worked for
awhile before the kids came, then became a stay-at-home mom.
Seemed reasonable. She knew that she would need a financial
base to move forward. Julie’s lawyer made sure she got it.
What Julie’s lawyer didn’t realize was that since nobody was
talking to each other, nobody knew that Gary also thought
that Julie should have half of the assets. They each spent
$12,000 finding out that they didn’t really need the
attorneys to do what they could do themselves.
Most couples with whom I mediate are reasonable people who
arrive in my office for a variety of reasons. Rarely do I
find couples who wish to keep the children from the other
parent, don’t want to pay child support, or don’t want to
share the assets. A funny thing happens: When they talk,
they listen. She remembers he is a miserable husband, but is
a great daddy. Or she cheated on him, but the kids couldn’t
ask for a better mom. A lousy spouse does not necessarily
mean a lousy parent. It’s funny. When mom and dad talk about
the kids, their differences, at least for the time being,
shift to the kids and what is best for them. I think that
children need two parents. But can that be argued when a
divorce attorney represents only one parent? Maybe. But not
usually.
It’s like a multiple choice test. Joan’s lawyer’s answer is
“A”. Nick’s lawyer’s answer is “B”. With whose plan shall we
go? But wait! There is also a “C”, a “D”, and the ever
popular “E – all of the above”. You mean “A” and “B” can
coexist? We can both have what we want? In many cases, yes.
In just as many cases, the other answers are sufficient
enough to satisfy both spouses in their quest for a
reasonable agreement.
When do I need an attorney?
You need an attorney when you need or believe you need legal
advice. You may also need one if you feel overwhelmed or
confused about the divorce laws. However, you can probably
make your own decisions as to whether Junior is with you on
Christmas morning or who will pay for his summer camp. There
are so many questions that you can answer yourself because
it is you who is the parent and it is you who is accustomed
to making decisions that affect them.
After your mediator helps you and your spouse arrive at an
agreement in all areas, you will receive a document known as
a Memorandum of Understanding. This memorandum is used by a
partner attorney to author a separation agreement that puts
your decisions of child time sharing and decision making,
asset and liability division, and support issues into a
legal format.
Since a separation agreement is legally binding, now would
be a good time to get a separate legal opinion on a document
that will affect you for the rest of your life. Have an
attorney review it and offer you advice. Once you sign it,
it’s a done deal.
So let’s recap. You made your own decisions. Your mediator
put them in writing. You had a divorce lawyer draw up your
separation agreement for you both to sign. Before you
signed, you got an hour or two of a lawyer’s time to read it
over. What did you save? Time and money. You mediated and
got your separation agreement inside of a month. What you
didn’t do was stretch the process to almost a year, have a
vicious child custody battle, go broke during the process,
and end up hating your children’s other parent. What you
also didn’t do was sit in fear wondering if you will ever see the
kids again or have enough money to survive.
Congratulations. Your mediation is complete. You can now
move forward. You also saved about $10,000 each. With a
custody battle, add another $15,000 each to the mix.
But don’t worry. Lots of lawyers take credit cards.
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